Chillichap's A to Z Guide of Cockney Rhyming Slang - Includes a Decoding of the Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Bar Scene (I hope) CERT 18

Alright me old China plates? 

I was going to try and write this whole blog in Cockney rhyming slang, but I thought it might give us both a headache and you'd want to get your German bands around my Gregory Peck (see what I did there?). I first remember encountering this unusual way of communicating while watching the UK TV series Minder starring acting legends George Cole and Dennis Waterman, The characters would suddenly come out with a turn of phrase that I didn't get. My uncle used to try and help decipher them for me, but he was a Geordie from up north, so that didn't always work. Later in 1998, there was a resurgence in the interest of Cockney rhyming slang following the bar scene in Guy Richie's excellent movie Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, so I've included a guide to the famous bar scene.  Normally when I write an A to Z guide, I pick one word for each letter, but you wouldn't believe your mince pies (eyes) at the variety of Cockney rhyming slang words, so I've added more words. If you know any that I haven't included, please feel free to contribute (as long as it's fairly decent). I should warn you that some of the words below and the Lockstock scene described are of an adult nature-hence the Cert 18 in the title.

The List:

• A: ‘Apple and Pears’ - Stairs. Example: “I’m heading up the apples to bed!”
• Adam and Eve = Believe. Example: “I don’t Adam and Eve it.”
• B: ‘Barnet Fair’ - Hair. Example: “He’s got a shiny new Barnet.”
• Barney Rubble = Trouble. Example: “He’s always in some Barney Rubble.”
• Boat Race = Face. Example: “What a handsome Boat Race!”
• C: ‘China Plate’ - Mate. Example: “How’s your old China?”
• Custard and jelly = Telly (television). Example: “Let’s watch some Custard.”
• D: ‘Dog and Bone’ - Phone. Example: “Give me a bell on the dog.”
• Dicky bird = Word. Example: “Not a Dicky from him all day.”
• E: ‘Elephant’s Trunk’ - Drunk. Example: “He was completely elephant’s last night.”
• F: ‘Fish and Chips’ - Hips. Example: “She’s got wide fish from all those pies.”
• Fawlty Tower = Shower. "You pen and ink (stink) and need a Fawlty Tower."
• G: ‘Gravy Train’ - Rain. Example: “It’s pouring down, proper gravy out there.”
• Gregory Peck = Neck. "Get that lager down your Gregory."
• H: ‘Hank Marvin’ - Starving. Example: “I’m Hank Marvin, let’s get some grub.” 
• Hampstead Heath = Teeth. "I've gotta go to the dentists about my Hampsteads"
• I: ‘Ivory Band’ - Hand. Example: “Lend us your ivory, mate.”
• J: ‘Jack Jones’ - Alone. Example: “He’s on his Jack Jones tonight.”
• Jimmy Riddle = Piddle "I'm going for a Jimmy." To urinate or pee
• Kyber Pass = Ass. I'll give you a swift kick up the Kyber. (Now you get the double entendre for the classic Carry-On film..
• K: ‘Kettle and Hob’ - fob as in Watch. Example: “Look at the time on my new kettle!”
• L: ‘Loaf of Bread’ - Head. Example: “Use your loaf and think about what you're doing”
• Lionel Blair's = Flairs. "Look at those Lionel's he's wearing."
• Mutt n Jeff. Mutton n Jeff = Deaf. "Are you mutton?"
• M: ‘Mince Pies’ - Eyes. Example: “She’s got beautiful minces.”
• Moby Dick = Sick. He's feeling well Moby Dick today.
• Nelson Eddies = Readies. (money) "Have you got any Nelson Eddies?"
• N: ‘North and South’ - Mouth. Example: “Shut your North and South!”
• O: ‘Orchestra Stalls’ - Balls. Example: “That took some orchestra!” 
• Oily Rag = Fag (cigarette). Have you got any oily's?
• P: ‘Pork Pies’ - Lies. Example: “He’s telling porkies again.”
• Plates of Meat = Feet. "Look at the size of his plates of meat."
• Q: ‘Queen’s Park Ranger’ - Stranger. Example: “Don’t talk to any Queen’s Parks.”
• R: ‘Raspberry Ripple’ - Nipple. 
• Rosy Lee = Tea. "Would you like a nice cup of Rosy Lee?"
• S: ‘Sausage Roll’ - Goal. Example: “He scored a great sausage!”
• Scooby-Doo = Clue. "Sorry, I don't have a Scooby." One of my favourites!
• T: ‘Tea Leaf’ - Thief. Example: “Watch out, he’s a bit of a tea leaf.”
• Tit For Tat = Hat. "Has anyone seen my titfer?"
• U: ‘Uncle Bert’ - Shirt. Example: “Where did you get that Uncle you’ve got on from?”
• V: ‘Vincent Van Gogh’ - Cough. Example: “That's a nasty Vincent you have there.”
• W: ‘Whistle and Flute’ - Suit. Example: “You look sharp in your whistle.”
• X: ‘Xylophone’ - Phone. Example: “I left my xylo on the bus.”
• Y: ‘Yellow Submarine’ - Marine. Example: “My cousin’s a yellow, in the Navy.” Never heard of this one!
• Z: ‘Zebra Crossing’ - Bossing. Example: “Stop zebraing everyone around." Hm, not convinced, but it's a tricky letter I guess...

The Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Bar Scene
Barman talking to 'Bacon' about Rory Breaker:-
...A few nights ago
his roger iron busted. (his TV busted)
He's gone down the battle
cruiser (boozer ie pub) to watch the football.
No one's watching the custard (custard and jelly - telly),
so he switches the channel.
A fat geezer's north (north and south-mouth) opens.
He wanders up and turns the Liza (Liza Minelli-telly) over.
"Fuck off and watch it somewhere else."
He knows claret (blood) is imminent,
but he doesn't want to miss the game.
Calm as a coma, picks up the fire extinguisher,
walks past the jam rolls (dolls/girls) ready for action
and plonks it outside the entrance.
He orders an Aristotle (bottle)
of the most ping-pong tiddly (I think these words are here for effect)
in the nuclear sub (pub)
and switches back to his footer.
"That's fucking it," says the geezer.
"That's fucking what?" says Rory.
He gobs out a mouthful of booze, covering Fatty.
He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest (hair)
and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe.
Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game.
His team's won, too. Four nil.

Conclusion: Cockney Rhyming slang is a great British institution that seems to be evolving with newer words being added and accepted into the fold all of the time. Knowing a bit of Cockney rhyming slang adds a bit of flair to your everyday chat. But don't be surprised if one or two of the people that you speak to have that blank look on their Chevvy Chases!

Thanks for reading

Matt AKA Chillichap